


Culpa

by xreyskywalkersolo



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Rey Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6069052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xreyskywalkersolo/pseuds/xreyskywalkersolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“All I’m saying is that I don’t like the fact that our only hope against the Order happens to be the sister of its dog. I mean, the general fucked up her son badly enough that he ran off and become a Sith. Can you imagine what will happen if she does the same to her daughter?? We’d all be utterly screwed.” People blame Leia for what happened to Ben, but nobody more than herself. Rey thinks otherwise. Rated for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to onceuponanevilangel for the beta.

“What do you think, BB-8? Should I modify this into a double-bladed saber?” Rey wipes the sweat from her forehead as she walks down the corridor with the little droid rolling at her side. Her staff hangs from her back, its weight familiar but also alien after so long without it. To her surprise, Luke had suggested that she train with weapons other than a lightsaber. When she’d asked why, he had just smiled wryly and told her that he’d once had to fight a rancor with his bare hands and some rocks and that it was never a bad idea to be prepared in case you happened to lose your saber. Rey had then told him about the staff she’d carried on Jakku, which led to the surprising tidbit that double-bladed lightsabers had been quite common before the Empire and that having one might suit her a bit better.

_“Is it all right if I modify it? I mean, this is yours,” Rey says, looking down at the lgihtsaber that was once Anakin’s and then her uncle’s. “I don’t want to…..”_

_“I gave that lightsaber away.” Luke’s eyes soften with sadness. “It stopped being mine a while ago. I’m glad Maz stole it and kept it, and I’m also glad that you have it now. It’s yours, so you can do whatever you see fit. Besides, making it a double-bladed weapon wouldn’t require too much tinkering.”_

**You can if you want to** , BB-8 beeps. **It’s your saber.**

“Thanks for the input.” She gives them a fond nudge with the side of her foot. “I’ll go ask Poe and Finn for their—”

“Keep your voice down!”  
  
The exclamation makes her jump, and she spins around, searching for whoever had spoken. They’re on base and nothing feels amiss, so Rey knows that whatever is going on, it’s not bad news, but there’s still a possibility that someone is sneaking around where they shouldn’t be. BB-8 rolls to a stop beside her, head swiveling in the direction of the noise. A moment later, three pilots come into view at the end of the corridor, although it looks like they’re in a heated discussion amongst themselves and don’t seem to notice Rey and the droid. 

“Why should I? We’re not under the Empire, so I can say what I want to,” retorts the one in the middle. He’s short and burly with cropped black hair and dusky skin like Finn’s. “Besides, you agree with me, right, Krim?”

“You shouldn’t be saying stuff like that, Paxa.” The redheaded woman to his left is frowning. “Just because we won’t lose our heads doesn’t mean I want to piss off the—”

“She can hardly argue, can she?” The third pilot, an Arkanian if the white eyes are any indicator, crosses his arms over his chest. “Paxa is right. The general may be what keeps the Resistance going, but it’s her fault we even need it in the first place.”  
  
“All I’m saying is that I don’t like the fact that our only hope against the Order happens to be the sister of its dog,” Paxa says. “I mean, the general fucked up her son badly enough that he ran off and become a Sith. Can you imagine what will happen if she does the same to her daughter?? We’d all be utterly screwed.”

“There is something to be said for genetics,” the redhead says slowly. “Although I’m still not sure it was more nature than nuture.”

“You said it, Krim….”

Rey stands dumbly, staring at the three pilots. A deep, throbbing heat starts to build in her stomach, searing down to her toes and up to her head. This feels like when Kylo Ren killed Han; she’d never been so furious in her life, and at the time, it had seemed as though she were invincible and nothing could stop her if she decided the galaxy should bow at her feet. Now that feeling is back, only this time it’s worse—much worse.

“How _dare_ you!!” Rey steps forward, unslinging her staff from her back. The pilots stop dead, color draining from their collective complexions. The Arkanian tries to bolt, but Rey closes her hand into a fist and _pulls_ , and he flies through the air before slamming into the wall with a thud. The other two back away, terror etched on their faces, and Rey stalks forward, snarling. She can dimly hear BB-8 beeping in alarm, but it doesn’t matter. The pilots have made an enormous mistake. 

They’ll pay for it dearly.

* * *

 

Leia sighs and massages her temples. _I hate expense reports_. Granted, they’re necessary and (arguably) important, but paperwork makes her want to beat her head against the nearest available hard surface. Still, she supposes she should be grateful that there’s nothing more pressing to occupy her attentions at the moment. Like an ambush by the Order, for instance.

_Ten thousand units of rations ordered per week_ ….she picks up her pen again to renew her assault, but almost before her fingers close around it, the world falls away. Rage, hot and blazing, sears through the Force, sending Leia’s heart pounding as it floods her like an electric shock. Almost as soon as it had come, it’s gone, but it takes Leia a moment to gather herself and disengage. There’s only one person on base who could have broadcast their anger so clearly—well, two, technically, but Leia knows that it would take a hell of a lot to make Luke lose his temper in such a way—which means that something is very, very wrong with Rey.

Leia leaps up, chair falling to the floor in her haste as she races out of the office and down the corridors. Her heart is hammering against her ribs; she felt how deep and dark Rey’s fury was, and it brings back memories she’s tried to forget, memories of how the could feel the darkness growing and growing inside her little boy and how even though she tried, she couldn’t save him, she couldn’t—

Leia’s legs move faster, and she doesn’t care that people are staring as she races through the base like her life depends on it. _Rey. I have to find Rey!_  

* * *

 

 “Rey!!”  
  
Rey nearly drops her staff in shock at the sound of Leia’s voice. She spins around, hoping in vain that her mother won’t notice the three unconscious, bruised, slightly bloodied pilots on the ground, but of course that doesn’t happen. Leia stares at the pilots and then at her, obviously awaiting some kind of explanation. “I—I—” the young Jedi stammers, but her brain is in full-on panic mode and it doesn’t help that the rage-fueled adrenaline is still pounding through her veins.

**What the hell??** BB-8 beeps and whirrs, bumping into her leg. **You didn’t have to beat them up! Yeah, they were being jerks, but—**  
  
“Shut up!” Rey snaps, and they roll back a few feet with an alarmed noise. Sweat drips from her brow (how long was she here for?), and she scrubs at her face with her sleeve. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Rey, what the hell happened??” Leia looks utterly shocked. “This isn’t like you.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter.” Her voice is rough. “They needed to be taught some manners. It won’t happen again.” Rey turns away, hoping beyond hope that Leia will just leave her be.

A warm, callused hand catches hers, and Rey can’t resist as Leia gently but firmly grips her shoulder and turns her back around so that they’re face-to-face. “I felt your anger from clear across the base. Whatever they did, it was more than just being rude. Tell me,” Leia says firmly.

Oh hell. Rey knows she can tell Leia anything—knew it long before either of them realized who the other truly was—but not this. She can’t break her mother’s heart by telling her this. “Don’t ask me,” Rey begs softly, closing her eyes. “Please, don’t ask me.” 

“It’s either I hear it from you or hear it from them.” Her voice is not unkind, but it also leaves no room for argument. “I’d rather hear it from you. I promise that whatever it is, I won’t be upset. I know you’d never do something like this without good reason.”

Rey braces herself, takes a breath and drops her gaze to the floor. She can’t look her mother in the eye for this. “I…….overheard them talking. They don’t like that I’m your daughter because—because…..” _Say it. Just spit it out._ “Because you’re Kylo Ren’s mother too.” She can’t bring herself to say it more explicitly than that, but Leia isn’t stupid; surely she’ll read between the lines.

For a split second, pain lances through Rey’s heart, white-hot and agonizing. She staggers and nearly falls, but then it’s gone and Leia’s back is turned to her. “I’ve heard worse,” she says, her voice eerily flat and empty. “I appreciate you getting angry in my defense, but this was uncalled for. Don’t do it again.”  
  
“I—” Rey starts, but Leia is already gone and she’s alone in the corridor. Well, almost.

**Follow her** , BB-8 whirrs softly. **Dad says she is very sad. I do not want her to be sad. She takes care of Dad, even though he’s reckless. And she takes good care of you too.**

“Yeah. She does. All right, I’ll go after her.” Rey gives the top of BB-8’s dome a pat before heading off after her mother. After all the times Leia has been there for her, she’s not about to pass on returning the favor.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s not hard to find out where Leia went. This isn’t Jakku, so there are no footprints in the sand to follow, but Rey can feel her through the Force. Leia’s doing a pretty good job of keeping her emotions in check, all things considered, but Luke told Rey that the closer you are to someone, by blood as well as emotionally and in terms of physical distance, the easier it is to find them. Add in the fact that Leia is a Skywalker herself, and Rey doesn’t really even have to expend any effort at all.

The young Jedi doesn’t bother knocking on the door, although she does check to make sure that nobody else is around before going in. The last thing either of them needs is an audience, and Rey knows how important it is to her mother that the Resistance only ever sees her as the strong, confident, pragmatic general. And it’s important that Leia gives them strength and doesn’t publicly show fear or doubt—she’s their leader, after all—but fuck, the woman is only human and Rey knows for a fact that she considers grieving a luxury that usually can’t be afforded. It makes her mad sometimes, but this is the life Leia chose. Still, Rey isn’t a soldier; she’s Leia’s daughter, and this is the kind of stuff family does for each other even when they’re terrified and have no clue what to do. Right? Gods she hopes so.

“Mom?”  
  
Rey’s voice is a lot quieter and shakier than she intended it to be as she swallows hard and slowly steps into the room. Her heart seizes as she sees Leia sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on her knees and her head in her hands. Grief and guilt and shame and anger and a thousand other things assault Rey; the sensation reminds her of the time she was caught in a sandstorm and had no choice but to crouch beneath a small lip of rock and pray for the tempest to pass as the wind howled and the sand it kicked up blocked out the sun. Rey takes a breath and blocks out Leia’s emotions as best she can, taking a slow step toward the bed. “Mom,” she tries again, with marginally more success. It still feels weird calling her that, especially after Rey spent so long using just her name, but it makes Leia happy when she does, which is the most important thing. Right now, Rey would give anything to see her smile. 

Leia lifts her head to look at her daughter, and it feels like someone has run Rey through as she sees the haunted, agonized look in Leia’s eyes. Tears are rolling slowly, gently down the general’s cheeks, and all rational thought vanishes as Rey practically flies the remaining distance into her mother’s arms. Leia holds her so tightly it’s just shy of painful, one hand cradling Rey’s head to her shoulder as she buries her face in her daughter’s hair, and Rey can’t quite hold back a choked sob that’s honestly more from anger than pain. God, she just wants the pain to stop—it’s not fucking _fair_ that Leia has suffered so much. Rey opens her mouth, desperate to say something, anything to help, but no words come. She wants to tell the truth— _It’s not your fault, you’re not to blame_ —but she knows Leia won’t believe her. How could she think otherwise when for so long, both of her children were lost to her, one to death (or so she thought) and one to darkness that she’d been helpless to root out? How can she forgive herself after what she just heard—what her own daughter had to tell her?

“I’m sorry,” Rey finally chokes. That’s really all she can say. She’s sorry Leia is in so much pain, she’s sorry she’s suffered and lost so much. Rey is sorry about her brother and sorry that her family had to live for so long thinking she was dead and Rey is sorry that she can’t do anything to fix it. That’s probably what she’s most sorry for, honestly. She’s a bloody Jedi Knight; she can lift an X-wing with the Force and not break a sweat, but when it comes to helping her own family she’s absolutely helpless. What’s the use of being a protector when she can’t even protect her own mother?? “I’m so, so sorry….” 

“It isn’t your fault.” Rey’s heart shatters all over again at the quiet despair in Leia’s voice. “I’m the only one to blame. They’re right to hold me responsible for what happened to Ben; I knew what was happening, but I didn’t do anything about it. I thought Luke could protect him from Snoke….but that wasn’t his job. It was mine. And you…” She pulls back, cupping Rey’s face in a trembling hand. “I should have protected you too. You should never have had to suffer alone on Jakku.”  
  
Rey shakes her head, tears burning her eyes as she reaches up to cover her mother’s hand. “You couldn’t have known. You had no reason to think Snoke would come after me. I was so young—” Her voice breaks. She knows now that her memory of what happened is fake, that she was not left on Jakku by someone who promised to come back, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. “You thought he wanted Ben…”  
  
“I couldn’t protect either of you.” Leia clenches her eyes shut, her anguish palpable enough that even someone with no Force sensitivity could see it. “I failed as a mother.”

“No!!” Anger surges within her, anger at Snoke and at Ben and at whatever fucked-up turn of fate had decided that Leia Organa had to live with the loss of everything she’d ever loved. It also doesn’t help that she’s still pissed as hell at the pilots from earlier. “It’s not your fault!! Alderaan wasn’t your fault and neither was I, or Ben, or—or Dad, or Luke! You have to stop blaming yourself for all of this!”

“Rey.” Leia takes her daughter’s face in her hands, and the young Jedi feels a jolt of fear that’s mirrored in the dark eyes staring desperately into her own. “You can’t dwell on your anger. You can’t let it consume you. It’s okay to be angry; that’s only human, and I understand. But please, don’t let it take over you." 

“I—what?” Rey is thrown for a loop at the abrupt change of subject. “Why would you…?” She trails off as memories that do not belong to her flit across her mind like shadows. “Oh.” Ben. Of course. Leia’s told her before about the way she could sense Snoke’s influence over her son, sense the darkness that took root within him. Leia can obviously feel Rey’s anger in this moment, and whatever she’d felt earlier (Rey winces slightly, remembering just how angry she’d been) was enough to bring her all the way from the other end of the base to investigate. “Look, Mom…”  
  
“Promise me.” Leia’s voice quivers as she pulls Rey close again, and the girl’s protests die on her lips. She closes her eyes and curls up against her mother, trying as best she can to soothe and maybe provide some kind of comfort.

“Okay. I promise,” Rey whispers. “I promise.”

They sit like that for a long while. Rey feels utterly helpless as Leia’s shoulders shake with long-buried pain, but she knows from bitter experience that some wounds just don’t ever heal and all you can do is learn to live with the pain. Leia carries so many wounds that it nearly defies belief (another reflexive flash of anger races through her), but at least one of them—the pain of her daughter’s death—is finally gone. Rey just wishes she could heal the others too. She takes a breath. “I meant what I said before. None of this is your fault….anger isn’t the only thing that can consume you and eat you alive. I just—I want you to be happy.” _I want_ us _to be happy_ , she almost says, but doesn’t. Even if the First Order were to fall tomorrow and even if by some miracle Ben turns back to the Light, that won’t fix things. Nothing can bring back what’s been lost, and quite frankly, Rey isn’t sure a day will ever come where she can look at her brother and not want to punch him in the throat. The thought makes her almost unbearably sad.  
  
Leia’s fingers card through Rey’s hair, gentle and soothing, as she murmurs, “I know.” There is a gentle melancholy in her voice, a sad acceptance that what Rey wants—what they both want—will never be. “But I failed, Rey. I have to accept that. And so do you.”  
  
“You haven’t failed me. You didn’t even know who I was, really, and yet….” Rey swallows hard. “You were still the first family I ever had. Even before I knew, I….I wished you were my mom because…” Fuck, she’s so bad at this feelings stuff. “Because you were one of the first people who ever loved me.” She presses her face into Leia’s shoulder. “I love you, Mom…”

Leia lets out a choked sob and holds Rey so close it’s nearly impossible to breathe, but Rey couldn’t care less. She needs Leia to know that she has not failed her daughter, could never fail, no matter what those damned pilots think. Leia Organa could never fail to be anything less than the perfect mother because she loves so much and so deeply, and if her brother threw that away then Rey intends to do the opposite, to hold tight and never let go. Maybe she can’t fix this and maybe Leia will carry the pain for the rest of her life, but at least Rey can do this for her family; at least she can let her mother know how much she loves her. Rey tucks herself even further into Leia and cries with her, but somehow this is different than all the tears they’ve shed before.

Somehow, in this moment, it’s a tiny bit of healing. And that’s good enough.


End file.
